MLB Playoffs: The Aftermath
As approximately 674 fans around America look forward to watching the league championships in Major League Baseball, Bud Selig finds himself wondering where it all went wrong.
As millions of TVs on the East Coast quickly changed their channels for good, Ryan Howard and Alex Rodriguez began formulating theories to explain their combined four for 37, twelve strikeout performances in the Division Series. I don’t even think TWA could slice through more air than they did last week. And what happened to Ryan Howard coming out of the batter’s box as he made the final out of the game to second base? Dude went down faster than the Ethiopian Archbishop in “Shooter”.
Rodriguez may have had it just as worse as Howard, as he was forced to watch Tigers closer Jose Valverde celebrate on the mound like he had just won the Intercontinental Title at Summer Slam. We knew that Rodriguez already had one foot on the beach in the French Riviera, but we didn’t know he would make his disinterest in baseball that obvious. Did anyone see A-Rod after the game? I’ve never seen a guy who should have been that mad, look so not-that-mad. I don’t think there has been a more failed fake attempt at being upset, since I saw Paris Hilton publicly announce that her pet Chihuahua had gone missing.
I was relieved to see the “MVP” chants for Curtis Granderson slowly drain out this month in Yankee Stadium, as the All-Star outfielder, who was named the league’s player of the month in August, hit .205 in September. As September began, Granderson basically had the award in his back pocket. A month later, and he may have even fallen out of the top 5. I’ve never seen an award so viciously stolen out of the grasps of someone’s hands since the Olympic committee showed up at Ben Johnson’s door in 1988. Where did Granderson go after August? Did he go to that secret island that Bo Jackson, and Albert Belle are currently on? 7 Ks in 20 postseason at bats later, and Granderson has to be wondering if his Phiten necklace was working properly.
A season that had seen 97 wins, and their 17th American East Division, ended in 4 pitches to a guy with over 600 home runs. Not even Pirates starting pitcher Paul Maholm could put away the pesky Billy Crystal that quickly. Valverde, now with 51 consecutive converted saves this season, overcame a WHIP of 2.00 in the Division Series to send the Yanks packing.
And Howard, making a name for himself as the “Sultan of Stare”, was only left doing his best Nancy Kerrigan impression in foul territory as the St. Louis players celebrated. The pitching staff, proclaimed as maybe the greatest pitching staff we had ever seen, had to watch Chris Carpenter have his jersey joyously ripped off by teammates, exposing his body ink, that even John Mayer could appreciate as being awkward to see. The former Cy-Young winner, who has practically been more inconsistent this season than the Italian Judicial System, became only the sixth pitcher the last 30 years to pitch a complete game shutout in a decisive game in postseason play. The victory had to of felt even more triumphant for the 2007 World Series Champions, with this year being most notably known as the year of Adam Wainwright’s season ending Tommy-John Surgery. But c’mon now, the tattoo sleeve? I’ve haven’t been that disappointed in an athlete's personal appearance since Bruce Jenner got earrings.
Plenty of juicy story-lines for the Championship Series though. Ranger pitcher C.J. Wilson could be in for a knockdown, drag ‘em out bout with Doug Fister for the best sideburns in the postseason. Justin Verlander tackles Matt Harrison, literally, for best 80’s movie bully. And of course, Jim Leyland, and Tony La Russa in the annual Metamucil Bowl.
Even if this turns out to be the most exciting postseason ever, it will certainly be known as the greatest one that nobody ever saw, kind of like the third period of New York Islanders games. Who hates their life more right now, the producers at Fox and TBS, or Tom O’Brien? And I thought, TBS was “very funny”. Ratings that might dip lower than the 3 am slot of Teen Nick will not have anyone laughing this week.
